New year, new NO

Tapping in to a powerful two-letter word

I’ve noticed that people can’t stop saying “yes” to things they really don’t want to do. In fact, we’re all trapping ourselves in situations where we feel compelled to say yes. We’d rather do something we dislike and wear a t-shirt of displeasure than face up to what might happen if we said no.

“No” is taboo. The word has a reputation for rejection. Yet with every “yes” we say we might be moving further away from what brings joy in our lives, or cutting short our chances in succeeding in what we set out to do.

Maybe it’s time to give NO a real chance in our lives.

I’ve struggled with NO most of my life. The pleaser in me wants people to be happy. I’ve discovered the source of many of my “yeses “— saying yes to you allows me to be seen to be doing a good job. Saying NO feels like I’m disappointing someone. If I let you down, how can I be seen to be good?

This choice I make comes at a great cost to me. Every “yes” to someone else means my world fills up like a Tetris game. I risk squishing the life out of my world by squeezing the rest of the world into my life.

I can see that NO is actually one of the most important words in our language. Unfortunately we learned it as a negative, something used to chastise and communicate displeasure. It is one of the first words we learn as a child from our parents, as a form of discipline and a way that people bigger than us correct our behaviour.

Our relationship with NO as adults needs to shift. Without NO we risk being used by others, stressed and unhappy. NO is essential to our very wellbeing.

Some truths about NO:

Saying NO is about power. Not power over someone else — NO is about tapping in to the power in yourself. Recognising that in any moment you have a choice, that you are in control of your own experience.

In a world where uncertainty is the norm, NO is one place where we can stand on solid ground. Something firm when we are overwhelmed by too many choices, or when we feel backed into a corner. Saying NO to what we don’t want brings us back in alignment with what we stand for.

We must begin to see that NO is not selfish. It’s an act of self care. It is a way of acknowledging our own needs. Saying yes to everyone else means we are saying no too often to ourselves.

Obligation is social blackmail. To “oblige” is to be forced to do something. Any situation we’ve said “yes” to only because we think we are expected to means we probably aren’t giving our whole selves to it.

Being obligated through social pressure is stressful. And yet one small, two-letter word can relieve us of that unnecessary pain. When we stop doing the things we don’t want, imagine the space that opens up in our lives to do the things that really matter.

NO is not a negotiation… We don’t use this little word to get what we want in spite of someone else. With NO we have reconciled with ourselves what we need and why it is important to us.

… and it can open up opportunities. Saying NO allows us to engage in a way where something new can emerge. If a colleague or client says NO to me I try to ask what it is that they do want. It helps me to know their needs better. NO doesn’t have to mean the door has closed.

This year, I’m saying NO to:

Clients who aren’t ready to invest in what will actually create change

Situations where my energy or expertise is not valued

Times where story or gossip is chosen over reality and truth

Rescuing or satisfying the needs of others instead of encouraging them step up

The energy we bring to NO is important.

I call this a “clean NO”. It means a NO is never aggressive. It is firm, with conviction, but also with empathy towards the other person and where they are coming from.

And it doesn’t come with the need to make an excuse. I used to believe I needed a story or a reason why I was justified in saying NO. Then it dawned on me — we never need to give a reason for a “yes” response. Now I understand that I just need to be more direct, and that I don’t need to apologise for every NO I say.

Apologetic no:
“I’m sorry I can’t do that for you because ….”
“Would it be ok if I didn’t ….”
“I’m really sorry but I’m really busy right now”

Clean NO
“I can see that is important to you. It’s not something I can help with.”
“I won’t be able to make it. Thank you for inviting me!”
“I don’t feel this is the right project for us to be working on together. I’m happy to talk about what a great project for us both would look like.”

NO can get a strong reaction from the other person, especially if they expect you to say “yes” to them. Their reaction is their story of themselves, of you, and your relationship playing out. How we respond in those moments is part of a clean NO.

What stops us from saying NO?

In my work coaching leaders around the world I’ve noticed a few patterns that stop people from being comfortable saying NO:

Helpers
Helpers say “yes” too often when they feel they should help people out, even if it’s not something they enjoy doing. They’ll sacrifice their own time and happiness to make sure someone else is ok or that a task gets done. The result is other people’s time becomes more important than theirs.

This is a rescuing behaviour, often related to wanting to control the outcome, or because we see other people as small and incapable of getting things done. A NO here is not just for us — it might also be essential to empowering someone else.

Pleasers
A pleaser says yes to keep the peace. Saying NO might cause conflict — if they’ve said NO before and had a negative reaction, they probably won’t try it again.

The source of this is the need to be liked, to not be perceived as letting someone else down. It involves avoiding difficult discussions and conflict because those situations feel too uncomfortable to step in to.

And it means confronting the fear of what might happen when we say NO to someone who we see as having power over aspects of our lives. Clients, employers, partners — when we believe these people have the power to withdraw love or security in our lives, we struggle to say NO.

FOMOs
With a fear of missing out people say yes to everything because they can’t be seen to pass up an opportunity, or they believe that chance might not come up again.

This is a behaviour driven by scarcity. We don’t believe we have enough — we just want more. Or we are afraid we’ll lose what we have. We’d rather fill our lives to the brim than create the space

Whatever your reason, the only way to benefit from NO is to practice. If we are Helpers, Pleasers, or FOMOs (or have a bit of all three inside of ourselves) we have to try NO to understand how it can change our life.

What will you say NO to this year?